The best stories you won’t be reading this season

To celebrate the first anniversary of the blog’s existence this week, Southern Fried has decided to indulge in some blatant satire. Here are a collection of completely untrue yarns that won’t be gracing De Paper this term.

College split leaves students red-faced (literally)

A remarkable bust-up involving one player stealing another’s makeup has caused serious ructions in UCC, where a number of leading players have left to setup their own breakaway club, to be known as HC College.

The sizzling rift, which occurred when a first year borrowed some blusher from a senior squad member without asking, has left the club’s IHL plans in disarray, with at least eight of the first-time squad having departed under a cloud to form the new outfit.

HC College are, however, claiming they have formed the breakaway club having grown disillusioned with the ‘prawn sandwich’ brigade at the Dyke. They will initially compete against underage camogie teams from around Ireland while the Munster Branch decides where the hell to put them.

A source close to the group said the girls have been working round the clock to build their own astro-turf pitch with their bare hands – sensationally, they are doing so by converting the GAA pitch at the Mardyke, which is sure to cause a few headaches when all those academics return from their stupidly long summer holidays.

UCC’s Fitzgibbon Cup-winning hurlers seem bemused by the development, with one saying: “I suppose Rule 42 probably has a lot to answer for…foreign games at the ‘Dyke, who’d have thought it? Them Prod hurling girls aren’t too bad to look at all the same.”

Lynch makes splash by bowing out of hockey

Irish international midfielder Jason Lynch has shocked hockey followers by retiring from the game – to become a professional water-skiier.

The 21-year-old Cork native has opted to swap the stick for skis having been spotted by a scout for the Spanish national team, while trying to impress some savage beors with his moves on the water in west Cork during the summer.

Lynch this week spoke of his excitement at opening a new chapter in his life, which will see him relocate to the Mediterranean in order to begin his naturalisation process.

“I always loved the ‘aul water skiing ba’, I’ve been doing it down west for a good few summer now la,” he told Southern Fried. “But the weather’s always shite here so I can’t wait to start livin’ the good life in Spain. Me and Hayes are gonna tear that place apart.”

The sensational news caps a very strange year indeed for the Lisnagarvey man, who won both U21 and senior interprovincial honours with his adopted Ulster, the latter done so on his old stomping ground at Garryduff.

Lynch also revealed he had an option to relocate to Canada, where he was offered a job as a bungee jumping instructor in Whistler, British Columbia.

But the lure of a full-time life on the water has proved too much to resist: “I know some heads in hockey will be like, ‘What is Monkey Kid doing now la?’, but it could be worse, at least I’m not goin’ off playing for GB or anythin’ like that. I won’t miss hockey one bit.”

Moneybags Ashton brace themselves for Roman conquering

Sleeping giants Ashton are set to take Munster hockey by storm next season, after it emerged that Roman Abramovich has bought the club for a seven-figure sum.

The billionaire Russian oligarch told reporters that he sold Chelsea FC for ten quid to a Man U fan he found urinating against the gate of his London mansion, and is instead pumping his millions into the famed Cork hockey club “because I prefer their shade of blue”.

Abramovich has certainly wasted no time in putting together the team of his dreams, with winning the EuroHockey League inside two seasons – while playing “hockey that brings joy to the birds and a tear to my eye” – a stated priority, despite the obvious hindrance of being marooned in Division Three.

Nonetheless, the entire Irish international team, along with the likes of Sohail Abbas and Teun de Nooijer have already been snapped up. Both foreign recruits have settled well in Cork, with the former professing himself to be a big fan of The Catwalk, while de Nooijer admits he’s more of a Bróg man.

Quins fans set to see double with dazzling new jerseys

Munster hockey’s top tier is set to get a whole lot more colourful next term with the news that Cork Harlequins have signed a remarkable multi-million euro syndication deal with their controversial rugby namesakes in London.

The most significant term of agreement will see Quins’ hockey sides ditch their traditional colours to wear the famed multi-coloured quartered jersey next season.

A spokesperson for the troubled rugby outfit – who were rocked by this summer’s ‘Bloodgate’ scandal involving faking injuries – said they are keen for their players and staff to “learn some humility from a sport unburdened by the lure of filthy lucre”.

Therefore, they are returning the favour by loaning former All-Black Nick Evans and Lions man-mountain wing Ugo Monye to the Cork side for two seasons.

Both players will undertake a crash course in hockey skills this summer, and are seen as the missing links as Quins look to wrest the Munster title back from C of I.

“Life used to be all about trying to dislodge Dan Carter, but I’ve realised now that gracing Harlequin Park is a much higher honour,” admitted Evans. “I’ve been told it can get a bit nippy up there in January, but it can’t be that bad, surely?”

The deal was brokered during a power lunch in the English capital last week, with Pat Dawson acting as negotiator-in-chief for the crack Farmers Cross outfit.

Well-known Cork-based travel agent Dawson will sensationally replace the departed Dean Richards as director of rugby at the Stoop, with the club’s directors seemingly convinced that his roots in Carlow, that hotbed of top-level sport, can help them land a first-ever Heineken Cup title after they sensationally avoided a ban from European competition.

C of I’s ‘hardcore’ court soccer hooligan advice

Having become renowned for their colourful masks, hollering at players during matches and impersonating Belvedere members when posting on Southern Fried, a hardcore of Cork C of I supporters have been going to new lengths to make the ‘Duff even more of a fortress for visiting teams.

Southern Fried can reveal that the controversial group have spent the summer infiltrating the ‘Ultras’ – extremist fan groups – at soccer clubs across the globe, under the flimsy auspices of having a bit of a laugh in Australia for the summer.

Groups visited include Lazio in Rome, River Plate in Buenos Aries and the infamous rogues at Galatasaray in Istanbul. “We felt we needed to step up our game to prove once and for all that Garryduff is the true home of hockey,” one group member said.

The group are hoping their undercover mission will help them bring some more hostile flavour to Munster hockey, and are planning to unfurl giant banners bearing slogans such as ‘Wilkommen zu Hell’ and ‘True Blueblood 4 Life’.

A massive quantity of illegal flares and fireworks have also been purchased, while a campaign is underway to rename the hallowed Rochestown venue Ali Sami Yen Duff.